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Love the One You’re With

Whenever I asked Father Dan for advice, I’d feel some sympathy for Jesus’s disciples, because I usually had no idea what he was talking about until much later.

Once, many years ago, I sought his advice about my high-school-aged daughter, who was doing something I thoughtdan preaching dangerous. I wanted to know how to stop her. Instead of answering my question, Father Dan started talking about me. He said my kids’ growing up was unsettling but could really be an exciting change in my life. I thought he must not have heard my actual question.

So I repeated it, this time emphasizing my child, and in response he began laughing about some of his own kids’ misadventures. That’s not reassuring, I thought. That’s exactly what I want to avoid.

I asked a third time (like the boneheaded disciples), and at last he offered some concrete suggestions. I could ask my daughter why she was doing what she was doing, which, to be honest, I had never thought of. I could also share my worries with her as I had just done with him. He quickly returned to talking about the empty nest and feeling bereft and dealing with changes in your life.

I left the rectory more confused than when I went in. Where was my foolproof solution? I thought, “Oh, well. Father Dan’s not perfect. He must not have understood what I needed.”

Only after days and weeks of pondering did I finally begin to understand. He was saying what he consistently said—that we can’t change other people. We lose control, eventually, even of our children, and we have to accept their choices. This is part of their growing up and our growing older.  What I could address and needed to address was my own confusion and fear. My daughter wasn’t in the rectory seeking his advice, so instead he gently counseled the person sitting front of him, who had a few blind spots.


  1. Laura Roncagli wrote:

    Sounds so like my beloved
    Uncle(FR.)Dan…..his wisdom and his ways….always reflected the ONE whom he imitated….Jesus!
    I so love your stories…please keep writing as many as you can. Thank You Kathy : )~

    Saturday, April 22, 2017 at 10:23 pm | Permalink
  2. Roger Talbott wrote:

    I love these stories. Thank you.

    Sunday, April 23, 2017 at 12:43 pm | Permalink
  3. Kathy wrote:

    Thank you, Roger!

    Wednesday, April 26, 2017 at 2:07 pm | Permalink
  4. Kathy wrote:

    Thank you, Laura!

    Wednesday, April 26, 2017 at 2:07 pm | Permalink
  5. Robin wrote:

    He knew what he was talking about. Funny how it takes some time to get it though.
    I too am enjoying your Father Dan posts. Keep em up.

    Wednesday, April 26, 2017 at 8:30 pm | Permalink
  6. Kathleen R Lanese wrote:

    So profound! I also went to him for counsel and left confused, lol! Yep, also saw the light

    Thursday, April 27, 2017 at 8:21 am | Permalink
  7. Jamie Kaplan wrote:

    Thank you for these inspiring posts (don’t stop)

    Friday, April 28, 2017 at 10:35 am | Permalink

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